Friendship

Sorry for the long hiatus, but I have been getting my life back in order. I've been getting my health back into shape after some little meltdowns. All is well now though... I'm doing MUCH better. Thanks to all for the well wishes and concern...

Now, I am reflecting on friendship and what it has meant in my life.

I had a very out-of-the-blue visit from a long lost friend of mine from high school. We only were together during my junior year her senior year, and were inseparable. She ended up moving after her senior year and we just lost touch... inexplicably. We found each other here and there through casual emailing, but hadn't seen each other for 15 years. She emailed me two weeks ago saying she'd be in town for a conference and would love to get together. My response... "absofreakinlutely!" Normally when I get these requests from friends of long ago I am more hesitatant... because it's awkward. Or at least I'm awkward with the unknown... will we have anything to talk about? Will we have changed too much to feel like friends again? etc.

It was fantastic. My husband said that we were like long lost sisters reunited. It was two days of catching up and just being the silly, carefree, caring friends we were. We visited the old haunts and just hung out. I realized just how much I missed having friends around. I moved a lot during my childhood so have grown used to having friends and losing them, so losing this friend years ago just seemed normal. When she left last week I felt like weeping. I felt lost again... set adrift. I finally saw a hole in my life. I have lots of virtual friends - you all out there. I have a few close friends I keep in touch with over email and I see once or twice a year, but no constant, present friends.

I had a consult with my holistic health guru yesterday and discussed this void. It was a breakthrough, I broke down, I was weeping uncontrollably. She had me list 15 things that make me a good choice as a friend. I did so reluctantly. It did make me feel slightly better... but still, I'm scared. I told her this. She suggested I start a book group here where I live and just invite all kinds of people and see what happens. I have run book groups before, but never from my home. I'm nervous. What if no one shows up? What if it gets started and then just fades into nothing... I'm full of all kinds of self-doubt. I want to try. I want to succeed... but I do feel like a teen embroiled in the "do you like me? check yes or no...." conundrum. I need help, but don't know exactly how to ask for it without sounding pitiful.

Ok, had better go now... tears starting again... non-productive blogging will soon follow... Thanks for reading... Hugs to all...